I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
