He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Randomize
