he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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