Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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