I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
