maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
