im drinking this country out of the recession.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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