Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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