he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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