Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
