So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
