People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
