if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
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