so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
It's never too late to be topless.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Randomize
