i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
