we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
