I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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