Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
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