dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
