Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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