I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
