Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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