if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Little spoons don't ask big questions
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
