i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
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