This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Randomize
