I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize
