I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
