If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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