I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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