Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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