I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
