pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
