I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
