I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
