I didn't shave. On purpose
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
