Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
And then my night got REAL pukey
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
