He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
