you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
