where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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