I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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