You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
