if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
