I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
