She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
