I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
