Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
