Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
