I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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