her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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