Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
