i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
