the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
