Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
